My Brother

       Trying to find words for this, and to finally put everything in writing is probably one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do...so bear with me.

The weekend of Cole's birthday my mom came up to Clemson to spend the weekend with me while Cole was away on the Offroad SC Annual Ride. Mom and I spent all day Saturday shopping for birthday presents for Cole and getting some wedding stuff checked off our list. Sunday mom and I took Dusk and Cali for a walk at the lake, and as we were getting back to the house my mom got a phone call, after she was on the phone for what felt like 15 minutes (when in reality it was only like 30 seconds), I realized it was a call concerning my brother, Glenn...my first thoughts were that he got in an accident, or hurt, or something and was at the hospital getting the medical attention he needed.

I wish that was all that was wrong, and that Glenn was fine.

However the phone call was worse than I could have ever imagined, it was to inform my mom that my brother, who was only 26, passed away in his sleep at a friends house. Obviously neither my mom or I were expecting to be told that, and in all honesty my mom and I just cried together. My first instinct before I could even let it sink in was to be there for my mom. Cole finally got home, once I told him what was going on we quickly packed up, and drove my mom home to Columbia so that she could tell me dad. The rest of the week was a blur....

I drove my parents 9 hours to Pittsburgh Monday, we spent the week with family handling all the planning and organizing to say our final goodbyes to my big brother...

Even after being there and going through everything that week my brain still cant seem to wrap my brain around the fact that he really is gone.

I catch myself thinking in two mindsets...most of the time I'm angry that he's really gone already, and that I won't be able to make any more memories with him. I'm sad for so many reasons, to many to list...but here are a few that I keep catching myself thinking:

-I won't hear his laugh again
-I won't be called noob or snakey ever again...at least by the person who gave those names to me
-I won't get a chance to crack a joke with him, that gets the goofy grin out of him
-I won't get phone calls asking me my opinion on what life path he should take
-We won't be able to drink nice cold yeunglings together
-He won't be here to plan Cole's bachelor party that he was so excited for...
-He won't be in our wedding party, or get to celebrate the day with us
-He won't get to continue to be the awesome Uncle Glenn that he was to my sister's girls
-He won't get to meet my sisters little boy, his first nephew, that will be here in July
-He won't ever get to be an uncle to Cole and my future children
-He won't be here to encourage me, protect me, and keep me grounded.

The times that I am not angry that he passed so suddenly, and at such a young age, I am grateful for the relationship my brother and I had.

 -I'm grateful that he called me earlier that week, and that we had a genuine real, honest, deep conversation...they didn't happen often with him.
-I'm grateful that our relationship improved over the years, my brother was the typical "mean" older brother when I was younger, that I "hated"...I am glad we grew out of that phase
-My big brother was protective of me, he literally step in if he felt I was being treated poorly by anyone. In his mind only he could be mean to me, that was his job...no one else could.
-I am so happy that my brother was approving and supportive of my relationship with Cole.
-I am happy I had the chance to witness the sweet, soft, insecure, and loving side of my brother...there was a side of him he was reluctant to let people see because he was concerned it would make him less of a man, or weak.
-I am happy I got to watch him rock our nieces to sleep, or calm them down while we were out on family vacations, he truly lit up with love for them when he was around them.

It has been exactly a month since he has passed and I don't think it has gotten any easier, I still miss him, I am still angry, and I am still very easily annoyed by little things in life that used to not bother me.

-

The Semester is Winding Down, the Stress is Adding Up

        I literally have 32 days until I am done with my very last semester of my undergraduate career...I am excited, a bit sad, and completely overwhelmed all at the same time. This semester seems like it flew by, but at the same time I feel like it is dragging by. As the semester winds down and the days dwindle, I have realized all the projects, tests I have at the very end of the semester...so my stress is growing as the days a dwindling! I know that I don't have much longer, so I am going to just suck up my hatred I feel towards all the darn projects, and test and just crank them out.

         To get a bit of a break from school and all this stress Cole and I are going to take our babies for a walk, and Cole is going to take a few pictures of me for my graduation party invitation.

           On top of all the school work, Cole and I have been working on marking things off of our wedding to do list, and the past few weeks we marked a few things off...it is hard to believe our wedding is less than 6 months away!

           Ok now that I have rambled about absolutely everything in my life right now, and gotten a bit of a break from school, I am going to get back to my pile of work...

Spring Break Recap

      If you keep up with my blog then you know how busy I have been this semester with school, so spring break was very long awaited, and much, much needed. I used spring break for exactly that, a break. I didn't make any huge plans, I didn't travel to some exotic place...Cole and I just went to Atlanta for the weekend and I just went to Columbia for the rest of break.

Cole and I drove down to Atlanta, to visit my Aunt and Uncle. I have been going down a good bit for wedding dress appointments, but Cole hadn't been down in a while so it was nice for all of us to get together! My sister, from Ohio, was down in Atlanta for a conference for her PhD program with her youngest daughter, and my mom was in town to help out with my niece. So we basically had a mini family vacay in Atlanta! It was so great to see my sister, and niece especially since Cole and I don't get to see them too much. We also ate at some delicious places while we were there, like always! We ate at a delicious mexican restaurant, got amazing cheesecake and cannolis from a bakery near my aunt and uncle's place, and of course we had to eat at the cheesecake factory!

 I had a full on girls week in Columbia, and it was exactly what I needed. I stayed with my bestie all week. Our week consisted of binge watching Netflix, taking our dogs to yappy hour, going to Charleston for a girls day, closing the bar on pint night at the local bar, and taking our doggies for walks. It literally was the perfect mix between relaxation and fun. It was just what I needed. I am very glad I got to take a full on break from school, I didn't touch anything over break!

Dusk decided he needed to roll around in the grass after our walk

Me and my sweet boy after our long walk at the RiverWalk in Columbia

Unfortunately I am back in full swing at school and my to do list is growing. only 4 weeks of school after this week, so it's down to the wire.