Trying to find words for this, and to finally put everything in writing is probably one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do...so bear with me.
The weekend of Cole's birthday my mom came up to Clemson to spend the weekend with me while Cole was away on the Offroad SC Annual Ride. Mom and I spent all day Saturday shopping for birthday presents for Cole and getting some wedding stuff checked off our list. Sunday mom and I took Dusk and Cali for a walk at the lake, and as we were getting back to the house my mom got a phone call, after she was on the phone for what felt like 15 minutes (when in reality it was only like 30 seconds), I realized it was a call concerning my brother, Glenn...my first thoughts were that he got in an accident, or hurt, or something and was at the hospital getting the medical attention he needed.
I wish that was all that was wrong, and that Glenn was fine.
However the phone call was worse than I could have ever imagined, it was to inform my mom that my brother, who was only 26, passed away in his sleep at a friends house. Obviously neither my mom or I were expecting to be told that, and in all honesty my mom and I just cried together. My first instinct before I could even let it sink in was to be there for my mom. Cole finally got home, once I told him what was going on we quickly packed up, and drove my mom home to Columbia so that she could tell me dad. The rest of the week was a blur....
I drove my parents 9 hours to Pittsburgh Monday, we spent the week with family handling all the planning and organizing to say our final goodbyes to my big brother...
Even after being there and going through everything that week my brain still cant seem to wrap my brain around the fact that he really is gone.
I catch myself thinking in two mindsets...most of the time I'm angry that he's really gone already, and that I won't be able to make any more memories with him. I'm sad for so many reasons, to many to list...but here are a few that I keep catching myself thinking:
-I won't hear his laugh again
-I won't be called noob or snakey ever again...at least by the person who gave those names to me
-I won't get a chance to crack a joke with him, that gets the goofy grin out of him
-I won't get phone calls asking me my opinion on what life path he should take
-We won't be able to drink nice cold yeunglings together
-He won't be here to plan Cole's bachelor party that he was so excited for...
-He won't be in our wedding party, or get to celebrate the day with us
-He won't get to continue to be the awesome Uncle Glenn that he was to my sister's girls
-He won't get to meet my sisters little boy, his first nephew, that will be here in July
-He won't ever get to be an uncle to Cole and my future children
-He won't be here to encourage me, protect me, and keep me grounded.
The times that I am not angry that he passed so suddenly, and at such a young age, I am grateful for the relationship my brother and I had.
-I'm grateful that he called me earlier that week, and that we had a genuine real, honest, deep conversation...they didn't happen often with him.
-I'm grateful that our relationship improved over the years, my brother was the typical "mean" older brother when I was younger, that I "hated"...I am glad we grew out of that phase
-My big brother was protective of me, he literally step in if he felt I was being treated poorly by anyone. In his mind only he could be mean to me, that was his job...no one else could.
-I am so happy that my brother was approving and supportive of my relationship with Cole.
-I am happy I had the chance to witness the sweet, soft, insecure, and loving side of my brother...there was a side of him he was reluctant to let people see because he was concerned it would make him less of a man, or weak.
-I am happy I got to watch him rock our nieces to sleep, or calm them down while we were out on family vacations, he truly lit up with love for them when he was around them.
It has been exactly a month since he has passed and I don't think it has gotten any easier, I still miss him, I am still angry, and I am still very easily annoyed by little things in life that used to not bother me.
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